My train of thoughts on this beautiful , overcast, slow morning:
I don't believe in the way autism and neurodivergence is being framed by the medical professions. I believe in neurdivergence as a range of unique ways of being gifted, being human. Just in today's societies those gifts are a threat to normality.
That's all.
And that begins a vicious spiral of interactions between us and our caregivers, us and the world around us, that turns our gifts into disabilities. Even in our own eyes. Unique ways of being turn into illness as we try to bury, mask, reject them or the people and institutions we come in contact with try to do that, interpreting them for us as something negative.
inventing a different frame is a survival strategy for us. I am thinking of the autistic ability to "just doing our thing". No matter what. We do pay a price, but often we can't help it.
Lean into it. Be radical. I believe this is the best way to contribute what we really have to give in our unique ways. And it also is a winding path of healing. Of seeing ourselves reflected in what we may become if we set free the odd and different impulses from within.
Useless , but in what frame? Am I sick because I don't function in capitalism? Am I sick because I socially irritate?
Or am I feeling sick because I have tried to function and please from day one of my existence while It's actually against my nature?
Certainly there will be resistance and fear.
both from my own learned survival strategies and the outside. ( that actually tend to mirror what I harbor inside of me) I am happier though the more I decide to go all in and become what I am meant to be. The ultimate fear is the fear of death. But If I don't dare being myself, I have already died while being alive.
@autistics #AuDHD
audhd
@workchronicles being relatable, as usual
@autistics
#autism
#AuDHD
✊As I've been mulling over RSD for the last day and a half, memories have been resurfacing that I'm seeing in a different light.
The realization that RSD plays a much bigger role in my life than I thought is very similar to when I realized I'm neurodivergent. Puzzle pieces are finally fitting into place. Things in my life are making more sense.
One particular memory from grade 5 came to the surface. My teacher designed her classroom with very clear rules and consequences, but also privileges and rewards.
She had two lists on the board. One was kind of a "warning" list - students who had broken a rule. The second was called "No Privileges." This was a list for students who broke several rules. It wasn't a permanent list - I think you'd be on it for a couple of days or a week or something like that.
Anyway... I don't remember much about the lead-up, but I do remember forgetting my homework at home and being put on the No Privileges list. And I also remember this triggered an absolute meltdown.
The No Privileges list was for the "really bad kids," (in my mind, at the time) and now I was on that list.
My meltdown was so bad, my teacher agreed to call my parents to confirm I had actually done the homework, I had just forgotten it at home.
Another memory surfaced: I remember in grade 1, during free time, playing with toys and flapping my hands, as I usually did while excited. My teacher chuckled, smiled, and asked me what I was doing. This was grade 1 - I was 6? 7? - and I still distinctly remember the intense shame and embarrassment.
I'm seeing both of these experiences much differently now with the lens of RSD... this has really been a major shift in my understanding of myself. As major as discovering my neurodivergence in the first place.
What a wild journey this has been.
#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #AuDHD #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #RejectionSensitivity
I've been thinking about trying to organize - or at least gauge interest in - a neurodivergent meetup in my area.
There's one in Victoria, but that's 2.5 hours away.
Anyone mid-island on Vancouver Island (Comox, Nanaimo, anywhere in between) in my fediverse?
I published “I No Longer Tell People I Probably Have ADHD or AuDHD” at
https://www.ii.com/not-telling-i-have-audhd/
#adhd #audhd #neurodiversity #asd #autismspectrumdisorder #procrastination #health #life
#InfiniteInk #Byℵ #ByNM
One of the most neurotypical sentences I come across pretty often, when the communication develops beyond small talk is “You don’t have to explain yourself.” and as an AuDHD person, I very much dislike it.
At first it seems as if neurotypical people say it in good faith, some even do, often followed by something like “People who really like you, don’t care about you being autistic, queer or other differences.” or “It must be exhausting, that you have to explain yourself all the time.”
I very much disagree.
Psychology has been my special interest for decades, finding out that I am queer, that I am autistic has been extremely important to me. It changed my life. I find the way my brain and the ones of other neurodivergent people work very interesting, how our bodyminds work, what needs we have because of that. All this is not only my special interest, it’s an essential part of every neurodivergent relationship for me, understanding these aspects about one another is a necessary step to be able to accommodate each other’s needs.
As an AuDHD person, talking about my special interests is something I really like to do, it’s the opposite of exhausting for me and people would understand that, if they actually listened to me and asked questions, instead of telling me their neurotypical superficial, feel-good phrases. The latter is the exhausting part.
Sharing detailed information about these aspects of our personality would contribute to a mutual understanding. But to me it seems, that neurotypical communication is not about understanding, it’s about judgement. So, telling me, that I don’t have to explain myself, means “I won’t judge you, therefore you don’t have to explain yourself.”
To me that is such a telling part of the double empathy problem. It’s also one of the reasons, why we most autistic people don’t like the “Autism acceptance month”. Accepting differences should be the bare minimum for every kind of human interaction. I want mutual understanding.
🖖Guys outside dismantling four storeys of scaffolding. I don’t think it’s possible for human beings to create any more noise (without extreme machinery) than dropping scaffold for hours on end. 😬 My everything is jangled. ⚡️🧠⚡️
#ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #ADHD #AuDHD @autistics @actuallyadhd
I am so tired of getting answers that show they never read what I already said - I want the blue one
.
“Oh, you want one? Cool. What colour?”
.
No, never mind, I don’t want to buy anything from you, fuck off.
This in TEXT. All they had to do
was look at it. 😠🤮
.
It’s a fictional example and it’s probably exactly what people experience talking to me
too, but still. If you’re Autistic and this happens, that’s OK, we’re good, shit happens, we focus on the wrong things a lot. It’s just when I think it’s some regular person to whom I’m invisible and inaudible I get mad and tired. 😠
.
#ActuallyAutistic #ND #AuDHD @autistics
It doesn’t mean anything that,
“we are all unique,” it doesn’t matter that we all have something unique about us - except that it’s the opposite of, “neurotypes exist.”
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The point the world needs to learn is that everyone is NOT unique, that everyone is a TYPE, with traits common to many, that’s science, that’s information we could be doing something with - while, “we are all,” ANYTHING is the untrue opposite, a meme that destroys actual knowledge and erases actual neurodiversity.
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Why you wanna be unique (and alone) anyway? 🫣😀
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#AuDHD #ND #ActuallyAutistic @autistics
Ahhh the sheer kismet of two auDHD people finally managing to match energies and have a video call after six months of talking about it is a very lovely thing. Grateful for beautiful friends who friend just as hard even when time and space has passed.
🇨🇦So tomorrow is the big day that I've been... anticipating... for months now: my first appointment with a psychiatrist. And yeah, I'm a bit nervous. First of all, what kind will they be: a nice, caring person who actually listens and is well informed about and supportive of neurodiversity? Or an old-school, manipulative elitist who likes having control over people and may have more control over my life than I want them to? How much self advocacy am I going to have to do? (Of course I've been madly scripting since I got the appointment.) And how much of that will do any good?
And then there is the possibility that, thanks to a misunderstanding with another doctor, that this one will likely think that I am there to get a diagnosis for autism and adhd. But really what I want is someone to talk to about my situation, goals, and options, like how to navigate the system and whether a diagnosis would benefit me more than any potential drawbacks. I worry that when told this that they will get angry and tell me that I just wasted their time (typical RSD). (sigh) I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 😬
@autistics
Announcement: #Voxelibre multiplayer casual game today (Sat) for 4 hours in the late afternoon to evening (North America). That's in about 6.5 hours from now.
Voxelibre is a free and #OpenSource #Minecraft clone.
Damage has been turned off. People with #Autism, #ADHD or #AuDHD are invited. We also have a #Deltachat group for game-related discussion.
More details here: https://docs.autis.toque.im/
@autistics
Announcement: #Voxelibre multiplayer casual game today (Sat) for 4 hours in the late afternoon to evening (North America). That's in about 6 hours from now.
Voxelibre is a free and #OpenSource #Minecraft clone.
Damage has been turned off. People with #Autism, #ADHD or #AuDHD are invited. We also have a #Deltachat group for game-related discussion. More details here: https://docs.autis.toque.im/
This is a bit polarising, but I do think that autistic people are black and white thinkers while at the same time we are able to find the nuances in between. I have the impression that many neurotypical people think in shades of grey, but stay away from the black and the white to be able function.
This is goes into the same direction as the intense world theory and us having a spicy skill set.
Some years ago I read a tweet that stated, that autistic people's memories are sharp pictures while allistic people have kind of blurred movies. I don't know if that's true, but makes sense in this context.
It takes us so long to get the whole picture, but once we have it, it's very precise. We build it out of details until we understand the concept, it doesn't come to us naturally, it's hard work.
I made the experience that people perceive me as negative when I am rational and do not make positive assumptions. I can face my and other people's shadows, I am not afraid of them, they don't make me sad or even depressed. At the same time I can experience ecstatic joy, also known as autistic joy, that comes across as childlike or weird to neurotypicals.
So yeah, I live in the black and the white and all the colours this world has to offer. It's not rigidity, it's intensity and rationality.
Unlearning the wrong way, does not automatically teach us the right way and I guess that I am not the only autistic person who had to learn that about neurodivergent relationships.
In other words, embracing your autistic self, unmasking the autism and acting like an excited toddler on coke are not the same thing.
I mentioned it in other posts before, that we didn’t have an autistic kindergarten, that we did not learn healthy autistic behavior and socializing while growing up. It’s not our fault, we don’t have to feel ashamed for it. What our parents, what the world taught us was often unhelpful, even damaging for most of us.
That creates problems in our neurodivergent relationships, we can overwhelm, destabilize each other or feel like we are still too much, even with other autistic people and that hurts.
Going back to masking, to neuronormative behavior and communication is not the solution of course, we have to gain emotional maturity in an authentic neurodivergent way.
Understanding ourselves and our needs and communicating them openly is a key factor in my experience.
Respecting other people’s boundaries and not trying to push them is another. And we have to be honest to ourselves, when it comes to that. Taking things literally, needing rules does not mean that we are incapable of nuance and that everything has to be explained in detail. Especially as an AuDHD person that can be a tricky thing, when the need for dopamine, for intensity is pushing us forward, when we are in a hyperfocus on another person.
In my experience letting relationships develop slowly, giving each other space is important, while at the same time accommodating the rejection sensitivity and need for clarity by communicating openly helps not to become dysregulated in the process. Just not responding anymore, ghosting an AuDHD person is cruel.
Our neurodivergence gives us so many skills we can use in the process of getting to know each other, connecting with each other. Pattern recognition, high empathy, honesty, analytical skills, curiosity, critical thinking skills, building routines, being structured and detail focused and so many other AuDHD strengths can help us with being our authentic, unmasked autistic selves while building healthy relationships with other neurodivergent people.
Reading about task initiation strategies and as someone who uses them (to do lists, breaking down larger tasks into smaller ones, pomodoro/time limits) feels like there are no options for someone like me who is really struggling with task initiation and executive function due to autistic burnout.
Are there any other tips out there? And DO NOT tell me to rest/do nothing because I am a sole caretaker and in a precarious financial situation. Thank you.
@actuallyautistic #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD
I'd like to do a round table about being neurodivergent and having food intolerance/allergies and grief.
I'd love to chat with 2-3 people on a Zoom call.
If you would be interested, please reach out through my contact form.
https://feathermanesoul.com/contact/
@autistics #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #AlphaGal #FoodAllergies #Neurodivergent #NeurodivergentLife
now you’re angry
it’s happening again
to you
some man’s mouth is flapping
and that’s never good
You have no idea
what he’s on about
but you know what
comes next
You have no idea
I tried so hard
but I never felt seen
while you were
smiling
and I don’t feel seen
now that you’re not
You need
time to process, no
fuck you
nothing about me
without me
and I don’t take breaks
You don’t process me
I’m a person
I process
my own self
and you happened to me
again too
.
#ActuallyAutistic #ND #AuDHD @autistics
It seems obvious that my fascination with wildlife rescue on teevee is because of the parallels. My descent into the matrix world of comfort teevee has brought me to, “My Best Friend is an Animal,” sooner than I’d hoped and it’s often animals that have been rehabbed and released coming back and hanging around voluntarily and maintaining the relationship.
.
So a case in point, a tree kangaroo whose mother was hit by a car and it got thrown right out of the pouch very young.
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So now, barely born, traumatized, thrown out of mom and its whole world and suddenly in another world entirely - maybe the trauma’s parallel is the human birth, marsupials don’t have that, the birth and early life is a long, slow, safe transition for them.
.
Then, raised by humans, this is what I’m suggesting, the #ND share that experience, raised by NT humans.
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The reintroduction is perhaps not as obvious.
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A lot of divergent kids need extra care and attention. It’s not that we lost mom and the world like this animal did, but more that we have a lot of trouble gaining the world in the first place.
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But as the Asperger clinic and at least some of the doctors there saw, the extra time and care can help us to gain more of it than we may without more time and less discipline.
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I suppose unless we are institutionalized, we do experience the gradual introduction to the “wild,” of the NT world.
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But when we are released, the rescuers often move away or downsize their home, the extra care ends. I suppose it’s my RSD, but I often watch a release and feel the animal has simply become homeless. 🥹💜🫣
.
/1 maybe
.
#ND #AuDHD #ActuallyAutistic #IWatchTooMuchTV @autistics
#ActuallyAutistic #ND #AuDHD @autistics
.
It’s not really the DEP, we don’t automatically hate them, do we? I am forever being drawn in, I don’t hate them on sight.
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It’s really Antisocialization theory, the SEP (no, not Adams’ Somebody Else’s Problem), the Suppressed Empathy Problem, the Spanking Empathy Problem.
can it really be this simple?
Stay the fuck away from people because they are all abused and your Autism means the DEP is going to make you another abuser in their minds no matter what you say or how you behave?
.
#ActuallyAutistic #ND #AuDHD @autistics
In a peak move of adulting, I have decided not to do my laundry today. I simply can't be arsed. It has been a rough week heat wise and that therefore means the whole being able to breath wise, what with my COPD, not to mention sleep wise. So, no laundry for me today, even though it is laundry day.
I feel no need to justify this decision, or berate myself over it. After all, allowing myself to not do things is just as important as doing things, in terms of my well-being and management of my needs. Something that we can all be prone to forgetting I think.
Also, because this decision falls squarely into the following two boxes,
Self-care that is choosing not to.
And
Knowing that this can genuinely wait.
Both of which are often not given the importance they are due.
(For further context. I use a communal laundry room. So to do some requires that I get dressed, leave my flat, go down to the floor below and risk all the peopling that could take place, if I am unlucky. As well as having to remember to return for the laundry once the cycle is complete and risk peopling again.)