rejectionsensitivity

@autistics

As I've been mulling over RSD for the last day and a half, memories have been resurfacing that I'm seeing in a different light.

The realization that RSD plays a much bigger role in my life than I thought is very similar to when I realized I'm neurodivergent. Puzzle pieces are finally fitting into place. Things in my life are making more sense.

One particular memory from grade 5 came to the surface. My teacher designed her classroom with very clear rules and consequences, but also privileges and rewards.

She had two lists on the board. One was kind of a "warning" list - students who had broken a rule. The second was called "No Privileges." This was a list for students who broke several rules. It wasn't a permanent list - I think you'd be on it for a couple of days or a week or something like that.

Anyway... I don't remember much about the lead-up, but I do remember forgetting my homework at home and being put on the No Privileges list. And I also remember this triggered an absolute meltdown.

The No Privileges list was for the "really bad kids," (in my mind, at the time) and now I was on that list.

My meltdown was so bad, my teacher agreed to call my parents to confirm I had actually done the homework, I had just forgotten it at home.

Another memory surfaced: I remember in grade 1, during free time, playing with toys and flapping my hands, as I usually did while excited. My teacher chuckled, smiled, and asked me what I was doing. This was grade 1 - I was 6? 7? - and I still distinctly remember the intense shame and embarrassment.

I'm seeing both of these experiences much differently now with the lens of RSD... this has really been a major shift in my understanding of myself. As major as discovering my neurodivergence in the first place.

What a wild journey this has been.

#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #AuDHD #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #RejectionSensitivity

(This is a replacement post from this morning, after I've had more time to reflect.)

Ugh. I had met with a stand-in GP/PCP that I wanted to change to as my provider next year. I thought the visit had gone very well to get a referral to a new GI doctor who can address my acute & urgent chronic conditions, as well as the rest of my GI issues.

That is, until today when his visit notes became available. In it, he directly called me out of control, citing two psychiatric diagnoses since dismissed that shouldn't have even been in my active file, because AuDHD was being misread as those. He also blamed me for the bad luck of a string of GI doctors ill suited in various ways.

Basically, I felt like he was taking the mentality of blaming the victim, with the energies of calling someone a "hysterical female", and that he knew better than what I presented in the visit. And worse than that, I had left the appt feeling like I had a great new doctor for my team, and he had my back. So now I feel misunderstood and my rejection sensitivity dysphoria is in full effect, in that I personally did something wrong. And also I have the opinion of a misguided doctor in my permanent file, which will color other doctor interactions.

Why is it so hard to get doctors that aren't two-faced?

@autistics #ActuallyAutistic #RejectionSensitivity #Doctors