humor

Hey Fedi, how much should I charge for this literary event?

We present a new art form. Not merely a reading, but a live, curated excavation of the human condition. An evening with the revolutionary artist Robert Kingett, a living primary source document of a life lived at the frayed edges of the American dream.

But you will not simply hear his words. You will experience them through the resonant miracle that is the voice of Mr. Sean Crisden.

Prepare yourself for an unparalleled season of literary performance, a tasting menu of exquisite miseries. Our inaugural collection includes:

* For the Epicurean: *Symphony in Refrigeration.* A stunning auditory exploration of the overwhelming, near-religious ecstasy of opening a refrigerator that is, for the first time in memory, full. You will feel the chill of the holy vapor on your face as Sean’s voice makes you hear the majestic, resonant bass note of a full milk jug, the gentle, percussive crinkle of fresh vegetables, and the triumphant, definitive click of a door closing on a sealed vault of abundance.

* For the True-Crime Aficionado: *Helpful Abduction on Main Street.* A heart-stopping survival story. Listen as Sean’s tense, gripping narration places you in the artist's shoes as a helpful sighted white woman, seeing only his blindness, grabs his arm and lifts his orienting cane from the pavement. You will experience the sudden, terrifying plunge into sightless chaos of pure sound, as he is propelled across a busy street against his will, into a symphony of skidding tires, blaring horns, and the panicked thumping of his own heart.

* For the Erotic Seekers: *The Unexpected Pleasures of a Radiator.* An erotic literary experience. Sean’s voice will hum with an intimate warble as he describes a shivering, starving body cozying up to a functioning heater, making the slow return of warmth from the brink of hypothermia feel like a lover’s caress.

* For the High-Stakes Gambler: *Checkout Counter Roulette.* A moment of pure, uncut social terror. Sean will narrate the cold sweat and hammered heartbeat of Robert's EBT card being declined for a single, pathetic can of beans. You will hear the clinical, accusatory chirp of the register, the vacuum of silence that follows, and the collective, impatient sigh of the shoppers behind him, a Greek chorus performing the soundtrack to his public humiliation.

* For the Food Critic: *A Tasting Menu of Desperation.* An absurd comedy. Join us for a gourmet review of a donation box, featuring such delicacies as inexplicably dented cans of off-brand asparagus, a single, mummified teabag of indeterminate origin, and a perplexing jar of pickled watermelon rinds. Sean will describe the textures and flavor notes—the tinny bite of the asparagus, the dusty ghost of the tea—with the solemn, reverent gravity of a Michelin-starred chef presenting his masterpiece.

* For the Political Junkie: *The Kafkaesque Coup.* A deep-state conspiracy thriller. Sean will perform a dramatic reading of a health insurance denial letter, His voice acting as your translator of institutional malice to reveal the simple, chilling message beneath: "It is not profitable for us that you live."

* For the Sensualist: *Sanctuary in the Static.* An intense, almost unbearably intimate romance. After a faulty outlet sparks, shocking Robert due to a landlord’s negligence, his dark-skinned Dominican friend tends to his burns. Sean’s voice will become a low murmur, making the sharp hiss of antiseptic sound like a secret, and the soft, dry rasp of sterile gauze against scorched skin an act of incredible sensuality. He will make the charged silence between two men—one injured and helpless, the other gentle and focused—so thick with unspoken tension, so hot with the eroticism of pure kindness, that you will feel as if you are intruding on something sacred.

* And the Grand Finale: *The Social Security Redemption Arc.* Forget spy thrillers. This is a masterclass in psychological warfare. Your evening culminates in a descent into the bureaucratic labyrinth, triggered when the system incorrectly deduces that Robert is a secret millionaire. You will hear Sean embody the empathetic but powerless employees—mostly struggling workers, slaves to the capitalist machine—their voices warm with a humanity the system forbids them to act upon. Then, in a stunning display of vocal immersion, you will hear Sean’s sexy voice become the avatar for the system itself, the disembodied CEO, sneering, “He should just get a job,” and accuse this “useless trailer trash” of laughing all the way to the bank. The performance will climax with a reading of the final letter that reinstates Robert's benefits… for now, only to crush you with the cliffhanger: a mandatory benefits review, scheduled for next week.

# The interactive room.

Following the performance, patrons are invited to deepen their acquisition by engaging directly with the artifacts of affliction. This is your chance to get hands-on with the stories, to bridge the chasm between narrative and reality.

* The Rosetta Stone of Systemic Cruelty: You will be handed a genuine Social Security denial letter. Beside it, you will find a version annotated by Robert Kingett, translating the sterile corporate jargon into its brutal, human meaning. A masterclass in systemic gaslighting.
* The Fossil of Bureaucratic Violence: Behold, on a velvet cushion, the actual broken EBT card. You may touch it. Feel the worn plastic, the ghost of a magnetic strip that has given up, and the single, sharp crack from the time a hulking white man body-slammed the artist on a bus in a fit of impotent rage as the man robbed Robert.
* The Vessel of Withheld Wellness: Gaze upon an empty prescription bottle for a life-sustaining medication that could not be refilled due to cost. A stark, silent testament to a healthcare system that prioritizes profit over pulse.
* The Poetry of Functional Decay: Engage in a tactile exploration of a sock with a hole in it. A profound object lesson in making do.
* A Fragment of Landlord Negligence: You may hold a piece of the very faulty electrical outlet that served as the catalyst for a masterpiece. A tangible piece of the class struggle.

Following your interaction with the relics, you may ask the artist anything, provided your question is not, "Have you tried simply working harder?" Sean will be present for moral support by placing a steady hand on the intensely grieving artist's shoulder if the artist has a meltdown after decades of just trying to live under a system that values profits over life.

General Admission begins at seventy-five thousand dollars per person. We are sorry, but we cannot offer financial assistance at this time.

#Humor