When the V-parasites went airborne we nearly lost society to PHANG syndrome. All the media blared that you must wear an airtight mask and cover all exposed skin outdoors. BUT who has that on hand?. Well, somehow a few of us did. A mysterious cadre of neighbours wearing gas masks and form fitting latex self-organised to deliver prophylactic coverings to the rest of us. I’m not sure what purpose the cat-ears served, but we owe these anonymous heroes a debt.
"Excuse me," the man at the bar said, "but I couldn't help overhearing. Are you really saying you refuse to pick one?"
"I don't see why I should have to."
"It's a core part of one's identity!"
"My gender and sexuality-"
"Oh!" He looked relieved. "I thought you were talking about football teams."
I noticed a neighbour had set up a little library box in their front yard. I checked the books and saw they were all jumbled up.
I had only moved a few when a net fell on me.
"Gotcha! Oh..."
"What's going on?" I asked.
"There's a feral librarian around."
"Ah. Catch, tag, feed, release?"
"Yup."
A bewildered stranger entered the castle kitchen.
"Lost, sir?" the cook said. "You found a hidden door that led to the same room?"
"Why, yes!"
"How many times did you go through?"
"Five or six, why?"
"This used to be a wizard's castle. That door takes you through time, not space."
"What is your favourite part of your job?" the reporter asked.
"That's a tough one," said the book. "For me, I would say being re-read."
"Because it shows you were loved?"
"No, you can feel that at a first read. It's that I can show more than the first time round."
"It's more intimate?"
"Yes."
... users can be found giggling, crying, or simply staring into the distance saying "Whoah..."
We spoke to one, and asked how they feel about warnings that the practice is addictive:
"I could stop, but I don't want to."
Some experts say if reading was invented today it would be banned at once.
The sword master nodded.
"I see. Well, I'm not one to back down from a challenge. And what type of sword are you most interested in learning to use?"
"One of those long ones with the elaborate guard."
"A rapier? In human size, or your size?"
"Does it matter?" said the dragon.
"A bit, yes."
A spaceship landed in the park. A door dilated and a distraught alien emerged.
"What's happened to the library? It's gone! The one thing your civilization had going-"
"They moved to a new building," a passer-by said. "Don't you have ways of finding these things out?"
"Yes. I ask at the library."
"What is the deal with knights anyway?" the dragon asked. "What do you see in them?"
"I was told," the maiden said, "that they're very fit thanks to all training. And that I should admire men who are good at violence."
"Hm. And do you?"
"What else is there?"
"Hah! I'll let my princess tell you!"
Reading about those vehicle wraps with AI-confusing patterns that defeat license plate cameras got me thinking. What about motorcycle cops? Is there a pattern that confuses the human visual cortex to escape notice? It turns out, yes. There are problems, however. Getting the wrap off the vinyl printer is heckin tricksy when you can’t perceive the edges; I found being slightly drunk helps. But calibration is hard, getting a wrap fitted to your car when three printouts to the wind is beyond frustrating. It works, though. Squinting at the nigh-invisible car I take it for a test spin. Got t-boned almost immediately of course; I should have fucking realised. So next the obvious-in-hindsight refinement, evolving a pattern that is invisible to the cop brain while still perceptible by normals. Yes, cop brain is a quantifiable thing. Turns out there are a lot more retired cops on the roads than I expected, tho. I’m abandoning this line of research while I can still afford my insurance premium.
"Huh," said the dragon. "Would you care to explain?"
"Yes, I'm not a princess all the time," said the milkmaid. "Only on bright spring days. Once they end, I turn back into me."
"How come?"
"Oh, I was bitten by a princess."
"Again, how come?"
"She couldn't help herself," the milkmaid grinned.
“It’s bullshit. Those things don’t work”
“It’s the future, Afterlife Intelligence is going to revolutionize coding. You need to get an ouija board or you’ll be left behind!”
“Even if it did work the concept that a dead spirit can help with coding is daft. Would you ask your ninety year old grandpa for coding help?”
“That’s not how it works. At Microschlock they stack-ranked their coders, fired the bottom half, murdered the top quintile and captured the spirits as AI agents. Reduced payroll cost by eighty percent!”
"People say it must be great to be so strong and free," said the werewolf, "but they don't trust you."
"And wolves have their own packs," the witch said, "and you smell weird to them."
"How did you know?"
"We are many, us living in the between. All we can do is be ourselves, as well we can."
The sage on the mountain greeted the visitor.
"I have been to the witch in the forest," the visitor said, "and the swordmaster in the city, and asked their advice."
"Concerning what?"
"How to live a good life. Now I ask you."
"Be kind. Be yourself. Keep learning."
"That's what they said, too."
"What are the peasants' demands?" the king asked.
"Fair taxes, stronger rights, fewer privileges for nobles."
"Bollocks! Send knights out to disperse them."
"They have dragons, sire."
"What?"
"The dragons claim a more equal society is more stable and prosperous."
"They hoard countries now?"
“*YOU* Are the Chosen One?!”
“Hahaha no.”
“I thou—“
“I’m just *a* chosen girl. There’s hundreds of us, you know. Big planet; takes a lot of saving”
“Where’s your enchanted sword, then?”
“Melted it”
“You *what*!”
“Swords are flashy, but impractical. So I made an enchanted multitool”
“You are shitting me!”
“And these enchanted screwdrivers. Plus all the other tools in the go bag. Sword goes a long way once you realise you can just braze an enchanted tip onto a regular tool”
“And now you save people by the roadside?”
“Yep. Hey pass me the enchanted multimeter from the left side pocket, will ya”
As I was crossing the river, a person ahead climbed the railing and jumped off the bridge.
"Chat!" I said. "Why did they do that?"
"People often jump off bridges because their friends do," Chat said. "Was that person your friend?"
"I don't..."
"You said you wanted friends."
I threw the phone.
“First time on a planet?”
“Is it obvious?”
“Who told you to wear the metal foil on your head?”
“Tour guide said there was the chance of an electron storm”
“They were having a lend of you, luv.”
“Oh. They told me to ask for a respirator because the atmosphere is being shut off for repair tonight, was that a joke, too?”
“Yes, darl. It’s true about the sunscreen, though.”
Opinion polls said they were going to lose, unless someone had a genius idea.
"You know the water company that put 'sugar free' on their label?"
"All water is-"
"But only one said so, implying..."
"Genius!"
"Who," said their candidate after losing, "put 'I do not eat human meat' on my posters?"
Another master came to see the swordmaster.
"Let me watch you teach."
He watched a lesson, then asked: "Where do they get their swords?"
"Some have their own, others borrow a school sword, like this."
"This is an exceptional sword!"
"If you have a bad sword, you learn to fight it, not use it."
"It's a robot, get it!"
"My pronouns are she/her, thank you"
"I don't care what you call yourself pervert!"
"Oh, have you been using the internet. Please let me explain"
"Explain what, vikker?"
"The three laws of privacy. A robot may not record video of individuals not wearing a privacy preferences beacon. A robot must delete recordings within one hour of a privacy revocation. A robot may not share video without a digital signature from all pictured parties."
"Whatever, WRECK IT, boys!"
"You may notice I said nothing about not harming humans..."
"Ooof, you hit me when I wasn't looking!"
"You want to watch the next one coming?"
"Come out and fight!" the knight called.
"Very well," the dragon replied. "As the challenged party, I get to choose weapons. I choose pistols."
"What? I have a lance and horse!"
"I don't. Here is a matched set, pick one."
"Those are cannons!"
"Tomayto tomahto. Pick, or forfeit the challenge."
"Here," the witch said. She gave her girlfriend a small pearl. "I made it for you."
"What is it?"
"A small blessing. It can make a small change to you. Just think of what you want and swallow it."
"Could it give me wings?"
"That's too big."
Her girlfriend swallowed the pearl, and began to purr.
