The knight's lance was broken, his armour split, his blood pooling under him.
"You failed," the dragon sneered. "There'll be no tales teaching children dragons can be slain."
"But there will be stories teaching them to fight regardless."
"Because you failed?"
"Because I tried."
"What do you usually paint?" the wizard asked.
"I do a lot of pet portraits, but if it's for myself I like to paint fancy animals."
"Like a winged tiger?"
"Yes! You've seen that?"
"Ah. The canvas you used-"
"I got it cheaply, but it's good quality."
"-was enchanted, to make the subject real."
I Am Lucifer, the Devil, AMA
"Which of your many accomplishments are you most proud of?"
The idea that once your body is done growing, so is your mind.
"Wait, when is our minds done growing?"
You were never meant to be done growing, learning, examining. But you could be persuaded to give it up.
"There's... er..." My new assistant bookseller faltered.
Over by the window, an open book hovered. As I looked, a page turned.
I picked up my hag stone and peered through it.
"Just a ghost. That's a relief."
"What else..."
"Imps, devils, people with invisibility spells. The last are worst."
The witch made him hot chocolate.
"They say I'm strong," he said. "And I am."
He took a sip.
"They say I can overcome any hardship."
"Mm," said the witch.
"And I can. I do."
The witch said nothing.
"But I shouldn't have to!"
"No."
The witch held the hero as he wept.
"No, you shouldn't."
"I see where you are coming from," the tailor said, "but I fear it would not work."
"Why not?" said the first dragon.
"It works for gnomes," said the second.
"And raccoons," said the third.
"Yes," said the tailor, "but three dragons in a trenchcoat will not look like a human."
"Teach me," the hero said.
"Wait, what?" said the Evil Overlord.
"You're running a huge organisation. How do you align everyone's ideals?"
"You want your allies to share all your ideals?"
"Of course!"
"Well, we don't care about that. We can always betray each other later, after we've won."
"What is the meaning of this?" King Arthur demanded.
"We swore an oath," Lancelot said, "to aid damsels and accept their quests."
Galahad nodded. "I met a lady who requested free universal healthcare."
"Basic universal income," Percival added.
"And universal suffrage," Bors said.
Every evening I take the "You'll make it to tomorrow" sign off my bedroom wall, and put it in my time machine.
Every morning, I get into my time machine, go to yesterday before I woke, and hang the sign up.
It's nice to have something to be certain of, these days.
"I grant you one wish," the magic fish said.
"To eat my mother's pancakes again, just like when I was a child."
"Are you sure?"
"You think it frivolous?"
"No. But to grant it I must send you back to the child you were, with no adult memories."
"Would my life change?"
"You ask that every time."
The artificer pulled a lever.
"It's active."
The device looked like a doorway, a slight shimmer in the opening. The artificer stepped through.
"Nothing happened," the apprentice said.
"I already am who I am. If you step through, you'll turn into who you are."
"May I?"
"I built it for you."
"Can you open one of these?" the treasure hunter asked.
He showed the witch an egg shell, with an intricate pattern of silk thread knotted around it.
"Put that back!"
"There's something inside, it must be valuable. But when-"
"Someone locked their grief away. Break one, and it's yours."
"Oh..."
"Could you turn me into a cat?" the man asked.
The witch gave him a long look. "Why?"
"So I could be your familiar," he said with a grin.
"What an interesting idea! Let me try."
*poof*
"Oops!" the witch said.
She picked up the frog. "Let's get you to a pond."
"That creepy guy is here again," my boss hissed.
I looked to the pinball machine in corner. A lanky man in overalls and a soft hat was playing.
"You're making a fortune from the old coins he's using. But I'll have a word."
Later, I told my boss the guy worked as a ferryman. Why'd he get so pale?
"Help me," the duke said. "My physicians can't say what ails me, but I've lost all pleasure in what I used to enjoy."
The witch examined him, and paused over his hand.
"Nice ring. It is new?"
"A recent gift from the king. Why? Is it cursed?"
It was made to dampen cruelty.
"No," said the witch.
"What happens to books that nobody reads?" the king asked.
"We send them to the archive for safekeeping," the librarian said. "There are many more books in the archive now than we have on the shelves."
"That must cost a fortune!"
"Not at all. Centuries ago, we found a dragon who hoards books."
"Dragon!" the knight called, "I'm here to end your reign of terror!"
"I merely land by a town and ask if they will give me someone to eat."
"Yet when they offer a sacrifice you spurn it and instead eat the mayor."
"Yes. And if they refuse to sacrifice anyone, I leave."
"That's... Hm. Carry on."
"The Dark Lord has taken over our land. What do we do?"
"Learn from the goblins."
"What? Those useless little-"
"Takes skill to mask rebellion as incompetence."
"What?"
"They know His reign will end. For now, they persist and resist."
"Oh."
"Also: remember every moment of joy is a victory."
The message from the stars was very long and complex, but contained instructions how to decode and parse it incrementally.
There was an image, of a very cute furry creature. And a text, which loosely translated said:
"Send cat pics please!'
A gravelly voice spoke from under the mayor's bed.
"I hear you need a monster hunter."
The mayor sat up.
"What? Who?"
"I'm a monster. I hunt. What do you need hunted?"
"Beklo the Ogre, but..."
"I'll bring you its head."
"How..."
"I am a monster under the bed. If it sleeps, I can find it."
You don't need much - a decent computer, layout software, a laser printer, and a basic time/space machine.
I scour news sites for good news, then write them up, design my zine, print it out, and send copies to my subscribers, a month ago.
Gives them a bit of hope, something to look forward to.
A spaceship landed in the park. A door dilated and an alien emerged. It skittered to a notice board and carefully studied one of the posters.
It returned to the spaceship and soon came out carrying a cat and a mobile phone.
"Hi, we have found your cat Pebbles...Yes... Our secret base on Ganymede."
"I heard today," the cat I share a house with said, "that you humans only have one life."
"Most of us have only one, yes," I said.
"And you chose to spend it with me."
"Well, you moved in."
"You chose to spend it with me."
"When you put it like that, yes."
"You are wiser than you look."
"Why did you let that princess go?" one dragon asked another.
"He told me he's a prince."
"Fair enough. He's still dressed-"
"He hasn't told his parents yet."
"I see. Did you offer to vouch for him?"
"Naturally, but I won't out him."
"Of course not. Anyway, does he have any sisters?"
"If they have to do it, they should do it in private."
"Yeah!"
"It's not right, doing it in the open where kids can see."
"Yeah! It's not like they have to, it's something they choose to do."
"True. Hate is a lifestyle choice."
"Absol- Hate?"
"Yeah. What did you think we were talking about?"
