neurodivergent

Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners?

I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic.

The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined.

Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness.

This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people.

And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it.

Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies.

During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon.

So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways.

#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #neurodivergent @autistics

Do you also sometimes do things/make decisions which are plain out stupid which you yourself see as such(every time aside of the very time you’re making them), which you later can’t understand - remembering your own thoughts while taking it, you cringe and just can’t comprehend how, just how you were thinking like that?
I am not talking of some big decisions like whom to date, where to move or whatever, and neither I am talking of a kind of impulse when you just don’t think. I am talking about small things when instead of taking a normal route your brain makes you do some weird gymnastics which you yourself are ashamed of later.
Examples:
- when making tests, you mark a wrong answer (you know it’s wrong, you just kinda discard that knowledge for a moment) and tap ‘next’ without reading the rest of options because somehow you connect it not to the question itself, but to ‘that’s what I have to answer’;
- when solving a problem, you immediately see the solution, but you discard it as a too easy(and not like consciously discard, it’s more like you prohibit yourself to acknowledge its existence) and start going around in extremely complex, unjustified, unreasonable ways;
- you put a thing somewhere weird (but not because you do it automatically and not notice, but because at that particular moment your brain somehow slipped in that place instead of the correct suggestions and made you overlook it’s ridiculousness;
- you put a wrong quantity of something (ingredients in the bowl, medicines, plates) - again, not because you genuinely miscalculated or didn’t pay attention, but because for some reason you were counting incorrectly(in some weird way which doesn’t make sense for you later) or stubbornly refused to count/check demanding certain number which came who knows from where instead
…and so on

Those things may have bad consequences, especially if linked to some social interactions, but the immense shame I have of those episodes is not even rooted in the consequences, it’s about ‘how tf I was able to think like that?’ Probably, for that reason, until today, I have never talked with anyone about them, and all those actions always explained to others as mistakes because of inattention or impulsivity.
But the thing is, it’s not an impulse to act without thinking. It’s more like an impulse to think incorrectly. I know it usually happens if I am immersed in a situation which is stressful for me either because of novelty or because of time pressure, which makes me think this whole thing may be somehow linked to #autism

Do, does anyone else experience it or is this just my issue? Is there a word for that? Something I can search to understand more?
@autistics
#autistic
#neurodivergent
#AuDHD

Interesting article on #CBT for #Neurodivergent people and why learning to improve your #Interoception can be a better approach for managing #Anxiety.

#KellyMahler wrote it, the interoceprion guru.

"5 Ways Interoception Can Update Mental Health Approaches"
https://www.kelly-mahler.com/resources/blog/5-ways-interoception-can-update-mental-health-approaches/

@autistics
@actuallyadhd

My routines not only help me functioning in everyday life and carry me through difficult times, they also make me experience the best day of my life every day. 🤗

#AutisticJoy #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #neurodivergent @autistics

@autistics

Me, very autistic, with all black clothes.

#actuallyautistic #autistic #autism #neurodivergent

@autistics

For those of you who may not know. It would appear as if the Guppe groups are down for good. Apparently the bloke who ran it got knifed in the back by the domain being sold to another ahead of schedule and before he could renew it. Whether he will be able to get it back up and running in another way, I don't know.
Fedigroups run a similar service, for those interested. I tagged the autistic one above. https://about.fedigroups.social/home
I'm not sure how widespread this information about the Guppe groups is yet. But, for those of you who us it a lot, whether for autism, or anything else, it may not be the worst idea to post something similar to this to your followers and help spread the word.

#Autism
#ADHD
#Neurodivergent
#Audhd

@autistics

A thought has occurred to me.

In the rush to try and recreate the effect of the sadly departed Guppe groups many us may be attempting to open new groups using the fedigroup route, or any other way that they may have found. It may not be the world's worst idea to let as many people know that this is what you are trying to do, as soon as possible, probably by using the appropriate hashtags. Otherwise, it's entirely possible that multiple groups will end up being formed, for essentially the same purpose, and end up being highly confusing.

Boost please, fair folk of the Fedi.

Whilst probably not an original thought, it still strikes me as one that won't hurt in the coming days of people scrambling to try and reconnect.

#Autism
#ADHD
#Neurodivergent

more groups recreated!

@ActuallyAutistic
@ActuallyADHD
@ActuallyAuDHD
@neurodivergent
@neurodiversity

#actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallyaudhd #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

Today marks two years since my coming out day. If I had a magic wand, I would move it ahead some decades but realistically it took how long it took.

And yes, I very methodically chose 9/9 because it would be a day I could easily remember. That's also how my brain works. LOL

🏳️‍🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

#LGBTQ #Gay #Queer #Neurodivergent

ALT

Ah yes. This. My son didn't seem in the least bit "different," to me 😂

#Autism #ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #Diagnosis

Credit to ADHD Explained on FB

ALT

@autistics

So, one of my guilty pleasures is watching the TV show #HighPotential, which is based on another show (#HPI). #KaitlynOlson (who in real-life is married to #ND #RobMacElhenney) portrays "Morgan," who has an IQ of 160 and notices EVERYTHING! After she oversteps her position as a cleaner, Morgan is hired on as a police consultant -- where she helps to solve murders. Season 2 airs tonight on ABC, and Season 1 is available on Hulu...

Kaitlin Olson Listed A Whole Bunch Of Things She Wants High Potential Season 2 To Dive Into, And There's One I Really Hope They Focus On

By Megan Behnke published June 20, 2025

Excerpt: "Olson also mentioned she wanted to highlight Morgan's #neurodivergent brain, coming to terms with the 'gift' she may or may not have and how lonely she feels because of it. Plus, we also want to know more about everything else going on with Ava's dad, Morgan's relationships with her kids and more.

"It's hard to tell what exactly will happen in Season 2, but it sounds like Olson has more than a few ideas that will more than likely come to fruition. High Potential is keeping viewers on the edge of their seats, and it wouldn’t be surprising if the same thing is done with Season 2. Fans will just have to wait and see what the show digs into. In the meantime, the first season is available to stream with a Hulu subscription."

https://www.cinemablend.com/television/kaitlin-olson-whole-bunch-things-wants-high-potential-season-2-dive-into-one-hope-focus-on

#MurderMysteries #Neuroatypical #Curiosity #PositiveDepictionsOfND #NDWomen

Someone wrote about this piece: "I'm not sure if I've been a fly on the wall listening to your family, or if you've been the fly at mine."

That recognition hits deep.

This is "sneaking my mother's creepy g-d on high" - a cinematic spoken word piece about winter 1997, family dinners, and what happens when you finally stop performing neurotypical.

Religious expectations. Neurodivergent reality. The price we pay for authenticity in families that were never built for minds like ours.

Heavy content warning: family trauma, substance use, religious themes, cult references.

How many of us recognize that battlefield of family gatherings where our honesty threatens everyone's comfort?

@autistics

#ActuallyAutistic #Neurodivergent #SpokenWord #WritingCommunity #MentalHealth #DisabilityPoetry

So, like #AlbertEinstein and #NikolaTesla were more than likely #Neurodivergent. I'm pretty sure their moms didn't take #Tylenol.

#ND #HumanEvolution #NewMutants? #NextStep in #Evolution?

cc: @autistics

The five neurodivergent love languages 😊💖

#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticJoy #Neurodivergent

ALT

For #autistic people everywhere 💓

Credit to Taylor Sanders on Neurodivergent Memes, FB.

#Neurodivergent #ActuallyAutistic

ALT

I relate to this.

Anyone else out there 'hardworking and quiet'?

And.. yes:

"Why don't we just start using words to communicate so I can stop tracking everyone's eyebrow twitches, that would be great."

#Autism #Neurodivergent #ActuallyAutistic

ALT

Me feeling #AuDHD overwhelm: I need a break. I need to sit in peace and quiet for a while.

Me sitting in peace and quiet: This is tedious, isn't it. I need to watch TV / surf the internet / do something.

Me "doing something": Why isn't the overwhelm going away?

#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #Neurodivergent

@autistics

Having to sit through a meeting where a nurse says "well we're all a little bit autistic aren't we" 😬😩🪓

#neurodivergent #autistic #autism #health #myths

I wonder how other #autistic people feel about symbolism - in a broad sense?
The thing is, I’ve always been fascinated by it, since being a child. I love it when a seemingly innocent image has a hidden meaning, or some detail in a text that seems irrelevant at the first sight gets a deep meaning once you find the point of reference. When I write, when I draw, even when I just dress - I always have those symbols hidden there. There rarely are random details: this references to that, that points to another thing… I was kinda obsessed with flower language for a bit when I was a kid, and since then there are no random flowers when I draw. I’ve read everything in the library on popular psychology in my early teens - so all the doodles I’d make during lectures, meetings and calls have a hidden meaning to me unless I impose it there consciously.
I can’t go out of home without dressing up: all my outfits are always put up together to create some kind of a story. I’m totally conscious that that story escapes from people around - up to the point that if anyone would get all the clues I put, I’d probably be between being freaked out and amazed. But I still can’t just step out as is, I need to create the image, the visual story to tell, with all the references, all the allusions, all the associations. And when write, there’s no random words. Even when I create documentation at work or explain some task to someone - when I’m making up an example, those random names and numbers are not random, they still reference to something, they still tell a story.
In a way, it’s like one big pun every time. It may(and often will) pass unnoticed, but those who notice may be amused.
I wonder if that love for symbolism and hidden meanings is something common in autistic or generally #neurodivergent people
#autism
@autistics

It’s kinda funny that as much as I hate being touched by other humans and feel very weirded out by hugs (with very rare exceptions), I want to hug every big fluffy dog I meet (the bigger and fluffier - the better).
I never had a dog, and hadn’t anyone with dogs around, and actually didn’t like small dogs as a kid because of aggression from several of them, but was always fascinated with big fluffy dogs, and always want to pet, and hug, and squeeze and cuddle together with every single big fluffy dog I meet.
Do you think it may have something to do with #autism ?
@autistics
#neurodivergent
#AuDHD

(Wanted to make a separate post for this discussion to not mix it up with other topics)

For me, it’s very important to systematize most things. To find their place in the picture of the structure of the world I have in my head.

When I see a new plant - I look up its systematics: less to know the exact name(being able to name them and learn their names in different languages also matters, but it’s not the only goal) and more - to understand how it is related to others, what it is close to, where it descends from.

To be able to place a piece of knowledge I got neatly into the system, understand where it relates to, is more important to me than to remember some details. Like, I don’t care about the precise length of Megalosaurus, but I care that its closest relative is Torvosaurus

But there is a thing. That all doesn’t quite work with people. I neither want nor actually care for categorizing people. I actually really prefer not to, and would sometimes oppose the categorizing. I don’t want to shove anyone into any box. And something similar stands for the feelings towards others. I can easily describe my emotions at the moment, but don’t ask me to define a feeling towards someone. I simply can’t. And I kinda feel very averted from doing that. Like it’s something I shouldn’t do. Even when a social situation demands I do.

Does it have anything to do with #autism?
Does the specific aversion towards labeling people and feeling towards them has anything to do with being #neuroqueer?
#autistic
#neurodivergent
#AuDHD
@autistics

Hello!

I'm Cassian, I'm nonbinary (they/them) and I live in Wales. I mostly post about TV I'm watching, surveys I'm interested in, being neurodivergent, environment stuff, things I'm making, and spontaneous grumpy rants of little consequence.

I do the @gendercensus annually.

I first tried the Fediverse over 10 years ago, but didn't really get ensconced until the first wave of Mastodon in 2016.

#introduction #introductions #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD #neurodivergent #disabled #disability #environment #Wales #knitting #sewing #3DPrinting #recycling #upcycling #nonbinary

Exactly this 💯

#ActuallyAutistic #neurodivergent

ALT

I lately got the impression that a lot of neurodivergent, especially AuDHD people struggle with their mental health during spring time.

So while the neurotypicals talk about autism awareness, ask about your plans for the holidays and tell you to enjoy the beautiful, sunny day, I am not only very much reminded of the fact that other people have a life outside of their apartment, the local graveyard and Mastodon, there are also a lot of other aspects that make springtime difficult for me.

The change in light and temperature is difficult for my body to cope with and contributes to my AuDHD inner unrest, hyperactivity and impulsivity. So if you saw me posting and deleting more texts than usual, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The light and warmth do give me an energy boost that my routines aren't made for, which makes me question myself and creates the need for change. Change isn't easy and I often run out of energy before I can finish a project which creates a lot of frustration.

Not only are the bright light and the weather the reason for sensory overload itself, but during spring a lot of people and their outside activities contribute to it. Lawn mowers and barbecue parties are just two of many examples. Feel free to rant about the ones the NTs torture you with in the comments.

So know that you are not the only one struggling right now and that it's perfectly fine to stick to your routines, protect yourself from sensory overload, that you don't have to feel guilty for not enjoying every bright sunny day and that you are not a failure if you don't take part in barbecue parties.

[edited several typos]

#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #neurodivergent #mentalhealth @autistics