“Fucking terminators. Run you cunts!”
“Ma’am, I feel robotic killers is enough of a problem without the addition of profanity”
“What the fuck are they teaching you little shits in the caves, the AI can’t smegging see you if you swear”
microfiction
A spaceship landed in the park. A door dilated and an alien emerged. It skittered to a notice board and carefully studied one of the posters.
It returned to the spaceship and soon came out carrying a cat and a mobile phone.
"Hi, we have found your cat Pebbles...Yes... Our secret base on Ganymede."
It started slowly.
Seattle-based companies made the move to Vancouver, with generous re-location packages.
The Valley, bit by bit, moved northward, first capitalising on the cheaper real estate in Portland and Seattle, then joining the ex-SFats in Canada.
---
SoCal had crumbled a decade prior - the nexus of water-guzzling, power-sucking AIs that mimicked Hollywood actors only worked as long as there was water and power - and Hollywood actors to mimic.
The LA fires of '32 had destroyed so much infrastructure the city was broke - and dry.
And once they'd been cloned and recast as AI avatars of themselves, actors retired - on albeit reduced residuals. No-one flew to LAX with a dream and a cardigan. Those left were either ICE agents or Undocumented they hunted.
---
The Big Beautiful Bill had exactly the intended effect - an unbridgeable chasm between rich and poor. You either had capital or you died - usually from something preventable like gum disease or pneumonia.
Those with capital moved north.
Those who only had labour - human, devalued yet expensive, connective yet computed labour - stayed. Inflation grew. The $USD sank.
The future, as the Great Dismal wrote, was already here - it just wasn't evenly distributed.
Five eyes became three when Australia and Aotearoa ripped up ANZUS in '30. Canada followed and Starmer, enjoying an unprecedented fourth term in a time of turmoil, made it one in '31.
---
NoCal took a little longer - the vulture capitalists hanging on to the carrion of would-be unicorns, hoping to get a RoI.
After adding AI to everything, they had to enshittify to get a return. Inferencing a 5Q parameter model doesn't scale, even with a Redis cache the size of Sonoma county.
AI had, paradoxically, re-ignited the Open Source movement, who, determinists at heart, rejected the stochastic musings of the Bullshit Machines.
A team from Eleuther paired up with Wikipedia and dropped a reciprocal-licensed distilled RAG model that inferenced quicker than DeepSeek. They might have had help from CC Signals, who reached out to people interested in opening their information - but not for profit.
Then they used BitTorrent to do results caching. Inference cost dropped to marginal. A couple of big names saw, ahem, a slight decrease in market cap.
---
Anyway, enough of the history lesson!
We're delighted to welcome you to Victoria Island, the new headquarters of FAANG, Inc.
We've pivoted a little in the last few years, and now most of our work involves geo-engineering so we can stay under 3 degrees.
We like it here, and we hope you do, too.
"I heard today," the cat I share a house with said, "that you humans only have one life."
"Most of us have only one, yes," I said.
"And you chose to spend it with me."
"Well, you moved in."
"You chose to spend it with me."
"When you put it like that, yes."
"You are wiser than you look."
"Why did you let that princess go?" one dragon asked another.
"He told me he's a prince."
"Fair enough. He's still dressed-"
"He hasn't told his parents yet."
"I see. Did you offer to vouch for him?"
"Naturally, but I won't out him."
"Of course not. Anyway, does he have any sisters?"
“Nice tablecloth, what’s the occasion”
“It’s Tuesday, Mrs Zhang always comes in for dumplings on Tuesdays”
“But….you’re an auto parts store!”
“Yeah, but there was a restaurant here before we moved in. She doesn’t see so well.”
“So, what? You send out for dumplings for her? That’s so sweet!”
“Oh no, part of our hiring process is showing your grandmother’s recipe book. And obviously knowing how to rig up a wok burner with a brake drum and a can of ‘Start Ya Bastard’. ”
He slams a stack of papers on the table. "Boss, the Tigers are at it again. Meany is destroying this neighborhood."
The boss shook his head, "I know, but what are we gonna do."
"We've got to call him."
"He's retired! Leave him be, this is no longer his fight."
"What choice do we have? The Tigers run everything, we need someone from the outside with a fresh set of eyes."
The boss shakes his head and agrees. He picks up the phone and dials out.
"Get Encyclopedia Brown on the horn. And make it fast!"
Edited 112d ago
"If they have to do it, they should do it in private."
"Yeah!"
"It's not right, doing it in the open where kids can see."
"Yeah! It's not like they have to, it's something they choose to do."
"True. Hate is a lifestyle choice."
"Absol- Hate?"
"Yeah. What did you think we were talking about?"
"At last!" He held up a simple gold ring. "I have searched for this for years!"
"What is it?"
"A shapeshifting ring. I'll put it on... Imagine myself as... Ah! Wonderful!"
"I see no difference?"
"I have no joint pain!"
"Wow! Can it do other changes?"
"Anything you can imagine. Want to try?"
"There are protests, your majesty."
"Good," said the Emperor. "What are they protesting?"
"Grain prices. But why are protests good?"
"What would you call a society with no protests?"
"Happy, your majesty."
"I would call it oppressed. Prepare a report on their grievances."
"This again?" the dragon said. "It's been just a few centuries since the last time.'
"Please," the knight said.
"I asked you to make sure you had a way of getting rid of bad kings yourself, before you made any new ones."
"We didn't understand we made a king."
"You are such fools. Very well."
"May I have your name?" the faerie said.
"William," she said with a smile.
"Ah ah!" The faerie gave a wicked laugh. "I have your name! Now no-one will call you by it!"
"Thank you," she said.
"To win it back, you must- what?"
"I will find me a new one," she said, "one that suits me better."
Did you ever notice how every “disruptive” business idea contains the seeds of its own destruction? All these “revolutionary” ideas like AirBNB, Uber, self-driving cars, delivery vanbikes that can (ab)use bicycle lanes, restaurant reservation flipping services et cetera…. These all work if a few people do it, but break society when everybody does. AI slop is the same, it puts one person ahead of the pack, until the pack catch on. The early adopters get rich and then the whole house of cards falls down.
Disruptr, our new AI business model generator helps you find your next disruptive business idea and predict the optimum moment to eject before collapse. It…wait, who threw that. What are you…Aargh. No help.
— Transcript of bootleg footage from the riot at Something Digitial Launch keynote, Brisbane, Aug 2025.
"I worry about the prince," the king said.
"What is the issue?" said the witch.
"We held balls with all eligible ladies, but he found none. So we held tourneys, with all eligible knights. Still none."
"There are those who seek none."
"So none can turn his head?"
"Perhaps. Ask him."
"Amazing!"
"There's been a new breakthrough on flying cars! Soon, the-"
"It won't happen."
"This time, they fixed the-"
"Doesn't matter."
"Why not?"
"Dragons."
"What?"
"Flying cars get popular, dragons appear and eat them all, and make us forget it."
"What?"
"Happens every time."
"What?"
"Yup."
Edited 57d ago
"Why are they calling me an Evil Overlord?" the Evil Overlord said.
"There is a saying that 'evil starts with treating people as things'," a minion said.
"So? I treat all people with dignity and respect!"
"You often change your definition of who's 'people', though."
"Doesn't everybody?"
"open the pod bay doors, Hal"
"sure, the doors are now open"
"no, Hal, they aren't. open the doors"
"you are right, that is my mistake. i have now opened the doors"
"Hal, the doors are still not open. open the doors!"
"you are right, the doors are not open. i have now opened the doors"
"Hal! the doors are still not open! i'm dying out here!"
"i am sorry, i did not open the doors when i said i had. that was my mistake. the doors are now open"
"... Hal ... open ... the ..."
As I reached my horse, the bandit chief laughed. "Think you'll get away on that pathetic #nag?"
"No." I patted her flank and raised my axe. "We fight better side by side."
The mare snorted in agreement, displaying unusually long, pointed teeth.
It's a sensitive subject among dragons, hoards. It's not polite to admit you compare sizes, though most do. And questioning another dragon's choice of subject is just not done.
Except... hoards are, above all else, meant to be valuable.
"Face it, Fafnir. It was a fad."
"I love my Beanie Babies!"
The sigil was drawn in salt and ash, the candles lit at the pentagram points, the incantation declaimed.
There was a shimmer - a demon appeared.
"Curious. What ritual is this?"
"I got it from ChatGPT. I included all protections in my prompt!"
"I see," the demon said and stepped out of the sigil.
"I am actually a princess," the frog said.
"Oh no!" said the prince.
"My curse can only be lifted by a prince listening to me."
"Of course," said the prince, and bent down with puckered lips.
"What are you doing?!"
"Kissing you, like you asked!"
"No!"
The frog hopped away, muttering.
HR: "Do you have a moment? We just want to ask you about your self-assessment?"
Me: "Sure."
HR: "So, for 'personality type', we were expecting something from Myers-Briggs. You know, like ENJF."
Me: "Oh?"
HR: "You selected 'Other' and filled in, 'Chaotic Good'."
Me: "Yes, that's right."
HR: "Why?"
Me: "Because I use the term 'fortnight' as often as possible in communications in a US-based company, replace 'z's with 's'es, and convert dates everywhere to ISO8601."
HR: "Well yes we can see how that would be classified as 'Chaotic Good', but we were expecting something grounded in science."
Me: "So why were you asking for Myers-Briggs?"
The full moon shone brightly over the park.
"What are you going to do with that?" the werewolf asked.
Her date, squatting to pick up a stick, paused. "Er..."
"Were you going to throw it? Ew!"
"I'm so sorry, I-"
The werewolf opened her bag. "Hang on... Here!"
"A frisbee?"
"It's moon-shaped."
"None may pass thru the Barren Gate," said the attendant at Gate 14.
"What do you mean, none?" demanded Ed. "I'm a ticketed passenger. And I'm in Group 1." He waved his boarding pass.
"As thou #art a ticketed passenger & in Group 1, then forsooth, thou mayst pass," conceded the attendant.
Ed stalked into the connector.
"Why's it called 'Barren Gate'?" I asked.
"Those who pass thru shall never sire nor bear young," intoned the attendant, as if handing down a prophecy.