emotionalabuse

Being shocked, then feeling relief that he ended the relationship with one sentence after I just made a project plan for a "healthy relationship" including 16 rules to respect each others boundaries.

Trying to understand why autistic women are so prone to being abused and that it wasn't my fault that he pushed me away again. Resisting the urge to ask him for forgiveness.

Feeling insecure and vulnerable.

Almost having to laugh about the fact that he was a great fan of the chemical brothers, whose music pushed me even more into the high he created in the beginning.

#ActuallyAutistic #Autism #EmotionalAbuse #traumabonding

Not being able to sleep more than 1h because of continuous flashbacks as soon as I start to fall asleep.

Trying to understand what happened, still asking myself if I was actually the abuser.

Saving all the data and thinking about writing a book about it.

Eating some canned food because I am too exhausted to cook.

Not being able to put away the clock adjusted to his time zone.

Creating a playlist of all the music we shared to help me understand the dynamic.

#ActuallyAutistic #EmotionalAbuse

Last night I got 6h of sleep and my body and brain are starting to recover from what happened.

I will allow myself to miss all the positive aspects of the relationship, because there were so many:
the strong hyperfocus that made us create art,
the connection with a neurokin that made us feel less alone and gave us the opportunity for personal growth,
understanding who I am and who I am not,
processing my trauma to an extent I haven't been able to in decades and finally understanding most of it,
helping another person to see the positive aspects of themselves and providing a safe space for being vulnerable,
sharing knowledge and thoughts to an extent I never experienced before.

I will keep the clock set on EST as a reminder of that, but also as a reminder of the need to set boundaries and protect myself when my intuition tells me that something feels wrong.

The reality is often so much more complex than we are able to see and want to admit. In the end he is just a traumatized neurodivergent person seeking love and connection too, but not being able to truly allow these kind of feelings, because he is trapped in survival mode.

I will keep sharing the music we shared, such a pity that I can't do it with the beautiful music he created himself with his synth, but I hope that he will be ready to do it himself in the future.

#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #EmotionalAbuse #trauma